We have a housekeeper (who
in theory comes on designated days and times in a week, but in
practice comes any time she likes) who has a 14-year-old boy and two
younger children. The older boy declared to her recently, "Amma, I
don't think I need to go to school any more, or study." (He is
already making RM1200.00 a month tutoring younger children.) So what are
you going to do, his father asked. "Give me two green coconuts and
I'm good," he replied.Hey, that's creative, I thought. And funny. March has been a horrible month with everything in it: arrogant, posturing politicians; self-promoting civil servants; gross incompetence; exhibitionism; Israeli plots; Chinese scientists' plots; Afghanistan; the wrath of God for alcohol served on board; the wrath of God for an unfair Appeal's Court verdict; birthday cakes; one-ringgit chicken, and comic relief with jugglers and clowns ... wow, like a Hollywood blockbuster, only real and better.
Malaysians are a creative lot and thank God for our sense of humour! Have you seen the spoofs and the conspiracy theories? Hilarious, aren't they? Oh by the way, reportedly, you can buy magic carpets, bamboo binoculars and fish traps for knock-down prices online, but the green coconuts are pricey. Is this a wonderful country, or what? Two coconuts, and not only do we find the missing aeroplane with its passengers (held by orang bunian, elven folk, by the way), we have also revived our sense of humour and creativity.
I can see how this could be particularly useful in writing. Of course, my magic, sugar-coated, two-a-day writing-pill business might be affected. But then again, maybe not. My prescription for a normal writing skill enhancement programme, is twenty tablets for ten days straight. (I wonder how many Shirley prescribes?) That's only for a basic course, okay; if you want to write like Hemingway, you'll have to take eight a day and dance around like a deranged baboon under the moon for ten nights straight. (Sometimes, things can go wrong and you could end up becoming a rabid politician.)
Then again, come to think of it, two coconuts a day, for ten days, might be daunting for some people, especially if you have to swallow them whole without water. There is no scientific evidence that dancing around with two large green fruits and singing, is effective, either; although it could build muscles. From reports, I hear that these magic green coconuts are going for 1000 Ringgit each! That's quite a sum for the normal wannabe writer, but on the other hand if you want to write like Calvino ... hmm ... Certainly, Android versions will soon come from China, flood the the market and bring down prices, although they may not be so effective and may have viruses.
Speaking of politicians, do you think it would be necessary to hoard coconuts before every general elections? Let's face it, old coconuts are formed when the green ones mature, and if the demand for the green ones go through the roof ...?! Again, thank God for China. I'm sure they will produce enough for the market, even if they have to make fake ones. Remember the synthetic eggs several years ago?
But we have to be careful about religious tensions, though. Temperatures of rhetoric could rise, particularly if party elections were to coincide with, say, Thaipusam. Who would have the first coconut option? Or, will politicians work out a new bumiputra quota, ala NEP? Then Chinese contractors will offer them to their na tuk kung, and attract long queues of horse-racing, four-digit, and one-armed bandit punters, and gamblers of all colours every Sunday. Tourists will come from all over the world to witness the offerings and ceremonies, and pose in front of the alters for pictures. Visualise steel bunga mangga and kelapa muda poles along Jalan Palimen complete with blue festival lights. (Scary, huh?)
Two green coconuts when you're sick, when the television goes on the blink, when your computer crashes, when the plumbing leaks, when a bulb blows, when you're late for work, when you're caught in a traffic jam, when you're low on money, when you have to rob a bank, burgle a house, sleep with your neighbour's spouse ... okay, okay, I'm getting carried away.
I read a story in Wired recently about Google’s Grand Plan to Make Your Brain Irrelevant. Hey, we have already done that in Malaysia ! Can we have our Nobel Prize now, please, please, please. Our ego it at an all time low, and we need a boost.
(BTW, watch this video to see Jon Stewart rip apart CNN's coverage of MH370.)
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